MSN conversation with my depressed friend

Here is a MSN conversation with my depressed friend (with his kind permission). Hope it helps anyone in any way. It's done in raw Singapore language full of typo errors, please bear with it. :)



Friend says:
depression sucks

Friend says:
urggh ..its like a black grey fog in my mind..can't see anything at all

Friend says:
n its so cold

Me says:
yeah...

Me says:
well i cant really expect 'depression' to be any better... it cant be enjoyable and joyious wan ma


Friend says:
yea...and when i try to be positive n think of the good things..somethin in my mind will juz say.."juz accept u are the most miserable man on earth"..

Me says:
yep, thts how depression is, n its doing its best to perform its role as the depressor

Me says:
its oso ur choice to believe in that thot tt u're miserable or not. playing ur role as well

Friend says:
ok...i understand

Friend says:
i'm tryin so hard

Friend says:
tryin hard to not hate myself

Me says:
no need to resist depression

Friend says:
sayin i love myself in front of mirror is not enough..

Me says:
no need to force urself to say u love urself

Me says:
allow the depression to be as it is.

Friend says:
orr oki ..then wat can i do...haiz

Me says:
as u already noe, it is performing its role, it is as it is, dun ask it to be otherwise. just like asking cat to bark, depression cant be joy

Me says:
wot we can do, is to understand our role

Friend says:
humm..our role?

Me says:
ppl can say wotever they want, we cant ctrl nor change them. accept them as this too.. like u understand depression

Me says:
we r just a witness, n let things flow as they are, without asking them to change... bcos we cant change them.

Friend says:
yea gossip always try to hurt ppl

Me says:
yes, they r undesirable, they suck. but asking them to change in accordance to our wishes... getting upset if they dun do wot we want

Me says:
we're oso not v kind...

Friend says:
ok..yea we can't change others ...

Me says:
we take ourselves as centre of universe, we set rules for others to follow

Me says:
when they dun act accordingly, we get upset

Friend says:
yeea lor

Me says:
everything in job or family has to follow our rules n wishes

Friend says:
yea..

Me says:
if not, our family dun love us. our colleagues suck

Me says:
see how selfish we are?

Friend says:
i feel no control at job and at home..tats y i feel miserable

Me says:
how self centred we are

Me says:
u feel miserable bcos u dun recognise the fact that u dun need to ctrl them

Me says:
things just flow as they will whether u happy with it or not

Me says:
u're meddling in others' biz

Friend says:
icic oki

Me says:
its their biz whether they wanna say nice things or do gd things

Me says:
just like its ur biz to do wotever u want. no one can force u wat

Friend says:
yea

Me says:
so when u want others or things to fall into place according to wot u want, u suffer. bcos u cant ctrl it

Friend says:
like i try to talk nicely to my mum and she still bark at me..so i stay away from her now...its not my fault oso..i tried liao but she won;t change

Me says:
wotever happens is reality... tts the way they are. look at an orange... u can scold it all u want, it wont change into an apple

Friend says:
feel she is not the mum tat used to be

Me says:
its the same, u can substitute ur mom into the equation

Me says:
or wotever it is

Me says:
u can say wotever u want, detest it, scold it, hate it... reality is reality.

Friend says:
oki...

Me says:
argue with reality, we lose. 100% of the time

Me says:
how simple yet hard to accept

Friend says:
yea i can't change ..if my parents dun communicate ..oso i can't help

Me says:
yep

Me says:
as u already noe v v well... their pattern is like tat

Friend says:
yeah

Me says:
so u're suffering bcos u want the orange to be apple

Me says:
n u wonder why it cant change

Friend says:
the problem is this...i am their children after all..it hurts real bad to see them like this..no love in my family at all...

Me says:
yep

Me says:
this is a fact

Me says:
they are suffering from it

Me says:
bcos they want the other party to behave the way they want too.

Me says:
we're all suffering bcos we wanna change orange to apple

Friend says:
and they are feeling miserable now..and my mum says those hurting words to me ..saying she shld get a daughter instead of a son...

Me says:
so u see their eg liao, u wanna join in the fun to get more suffering too huh

Me says:
no need to get into these stories again

Friend says:
dun wan ..urghh

Me says:
wotever happens r like that

Friend says:
tats why i wan to move out

Me says:
they are like that, u cant change them...

Friend says:
orr oki

Me says:
put the stories abt them aside 1st. we r mixing everything into the pot, we cant recognise the priorities here is u want urself to be happy

Friend says:
yea...too many things to think liao..confusing

Me says:
tts rite

Me says:
so put ur priorities right

Me says:
u hv to be able to be happy, noe how to be happy. b4 u want to help ur parents in any possible way

Me says:
if not, u'll only behave in a frustrated manner n make things worse in all the efforts u make

Friend says:
ok...

Friend says:
anti depressant helps a bit...but then if i start to take again i need to get it from my doctor...

Me says:
u r programmer u noe v well, tt if u set wrong conditions n assumptions at 1st, u'll not get desired results

Me says:
so now wot happens is tt u set wrong conditions n priorities liao... u set so many conditions (which u dun hv ctrl over) must be met b4 u can be happy

Me says:
tts y u r always unhappy

Friend says:
oki

Me says:
dun let wot u cant change affect wot u can change

Friend says:
but human beings are social beings oso..i feel i severly lack of social ...its hard to survive...

Me says:
im pointing to ur root causes of unhappiness

Me says:
even if u're surrounded by ppl n frens, u'll still be unhappy. the cause isnt ur small social circle. but wot i told u just now... those wrong conditions n priorities u set, tts limiting ur social circle

Friend says:
humm dun let what i can't change affect wat i can change...

Me says:
lets say u hv a gf now

Me says:
n she's v nice, has everything u looking for

Friend says:
yea oki

Me says:
yet inside u, u always find things tht u cant accept, n u cant accept her as who she is. ur relationship wont be happy, n u'll only hurt her.

Me says:
everyday u'll still be unhappy n depress over ur family, work, colleagues, society, etc. n how can u bring happiness to her?

Me says:
it is not a gf who can bring u happiness

Me says:
even a change of job wont bring u happiness

Friend says:
*sigh....

Me says:
tts y i pt to u the root causes

Me says:
read wot i told u just now again bah

Friend says:
orr oki

Friend says:
so how do to change my priorites...?

Me says:
set out clearly 3 set of businesses - your own business, others' business, & reality's business - both u cant change.

Me says:
recognise things tt r in ur own business, n those in others' business... n things happening tt u cant change

Me says:
ur priorities naturally shld be ur own business. isn it

Friend says:
yeah

Me says:
whenever u habitually want to mess with others' business.. eg. u want the lady to act or say things to ur wishes, tell urself this is their biz, not urs. let them be

Friend says:
i shld not be too kpo (busybody) ..care abt other's business

Me says:
kpo or not isnt the issue here

Me says:
by messing with others' business, u suffer

Friend says:
icic oki

Friend says:
humm

Me says:
its not as if i set this rule telling u, u'll suffer if u do this. u've already expereience it.

Friend says:
if tats the case...issint job as a counsollor messing with other business?

Me says:
counsellors r not messing with others' businesses

Friend says:
yea i understand

Me says:
they listen n give advices. but they dun do it with intentions of ctrl, or wanting the persons to change

Me says:
if they hv desires of their clients to change, they'll oso suffer bcos they r messing with others' biz

Me says:
this isnt a theory of telling u to bo chap

Friend says:
icic

Me says:
this is a way of knowing wot u do tt causes u suffering

Me says:
everyday u want to ctrl things n ppl ard u, u're messing with their biz. tts y u're suffering

Friend says:
oki...good pt

Me says:
u can be concern n care. but accept them as they r, bcos they are like tat. u cant change.

Me says:
like now, i noe tt u're suffering. i noe u hv ur weaknesses n faults. i accept u as u r, i dun expect u to change, bcos this is ur biz. outside my ctrl. hence i dun feel negative if u dun change

Friend says:
yea u are right...why do we have wars...cos this country and another country not happy with each other...wan to mess with bizness

Me says:
yes

Friend says:
so sad...y not all people understand this..haiz

Me says:
so even as u noe this now, ur habitual tendencies to mess with others' biz is showing now

Me says:
bcos u say "so sad...y not all people understand this..haiz"


Me says:
u're messing with others.

Friend says:
oops oki

Me says:
hehe

Friend says:
thinnk i too used liao

Friend says:
lol

Me says:
yep, me too.

Me says:
bcos i go thru the same things i m able to tell u

Friend says:
tats y i hated the army

Me says:
the army is like that, u let them be. its their biz

Friend says:
in army everything is to follow orders ..no control

Friend says:
i prefer some freedom ..not control

Me says:
this is wot we say the 3rd category, reality's biz

Me says:
the society, or co is like that, as it is.

Me says:
the world runs as it is

Friend says:
icic

Me says:
u mess with how the world suppose to run in ur will, u think u can ctrl it?

Me says:
u'll suffer tts all

Friend says:
haha cos not

Friend says:
yeah ..die worse

Me says:
everything happens in the world happens due to causes n conditions

Me says:
whatever n whenever things happen, its no mistake

Me says:
not as if someone made a mistake out there

Me says:
bcos this happen, that happens

Friend says:
icic

Me says:
this is cause n conditions

Me says:
so when things out in the world happens, its not whether we like or not like. it is so.

Me says:
tts why bcos we see reality in the wrong way, we label things with 'i like', 'i dislike'

Me says:
tts why we suffer. bcos reality unfolds as it will, outside our ctrl

Me says:
this is y messing with reality, wanting it to be as our wishes causes us suffering.

Me says:
n as u hv successfully demostrated just now.... u hv messed with others biz, n reality's biz. its no surprise at all u're suffering everyday.

Friend says:
ok

Friend says:
can give me eg. where i have messed with others biz n reality biz?

Me says:
messing with reality's biz:

Friend says:
tats y i hated the army

Friend says:
in army everything is to follow orders ..no control

Friend says:
i prefer some freedom ..not control

Friend says:
icic ok haha

Me says:
messing with others' biz:
u always wanted ur parents to behave as u want...

Me says:
ppl suffer... whoever it is, this is oso no mistake. they behave in a way tt causes suffering

Friend says:
ok

Me says:
this is how reality works

Friend says:
ya..

Me says:
so how can u stop them from suffering

Me says:
if we can change others, Buddha or God wld hv changed us, no more suffering liao

Me says:
but they minded their own biz, they do wot they cld n they r free from suffering. while at tsame time they advise us how to leave suffering. its up to us to do wots taught ourselves. its our biz

--------------------------------------
This is a nice contribution, I want to share my reflections and experiences too!

++++++++++++++++++
Technorati: Buddhism Buddha Buddhist Dharma Compassion Wisdom Religion Meditation Zen Philosophy Spirituality Inspiration Peace Insight buddha-insight